Doubt in the Dark

“Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.” Brendan Francis

“I’m never gonna make it.” “What was I thinking?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Why don’t they want me around?” “God, please hang on to me because I can’t hold on any longer.”

If I had five dollars for every time I was on the edge of darkness, full of doubt and ready to cash it in…well…then I’d be sittin’ pretty financially right now. The demon of doubt haunted me over and over for years throughout my pursuit of happiness and self improvement. A recent drive through memory lane reminded of my value…as painful as a day could be, the Universe showed me who I was…really.

Just when I am the saddest without my pack…without my genetic pool…on the days I am the loneliest…the warrior within presents herself to me…

A recent day trip for work took me back through the college town that my child and I spent numerous years in – hiding – and growing. The heart break…and gratitude…were deafening…but I remembered who I was and who I have become… Just when I feel the most unworthy…when I go to the maddening “Land of Why”…Driving by place after place, the memories flooded in. It was a tearful ride home.

I am the woman who sold my plasma to put food on the table for my child.

I am the Woman who pawned family jewelry to keep the lights on.

I am the woman who went without meals so that my child would have enough to eat.

I am the woman who was without personal items to have enough gas in the car.

I am the woman who worked for days without sleep to buy the Gameboy for my child.

I am the woman who washed the uniforms in the sink every night for the ballgames.

I am the woman who made one egg last for three breakfasts for my child.

I am the woman who only shopped for herself in “GW’s“ and “Sallie’s”for 9 years.

I am the woman who worked 3 part time jobs with full time classes as a single mom.

I am the woman who spent 5 days a week at the baseball field & stayed up late to study.

I am the woman who cleaned toilets to pay the gas bill.

I am the woman who fed your friends and went without.

I am the woman slept with a gun under her pillow for years to protect us both.

I am the woman who spoke praise into your life so you would have no doubts.

I am the woman who put my life on hold when you made those mistakes.

I am the woman who did everything possible so you could live your dreams.

I am the woman who never gave up…no matter what.

And THAT’s the woman I am…